TMI and the 2 lies

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with the abundance of information available to you?

The number of email subscriptions you get from vendors you once ordered something from or that one webinar you signed up for and now receive their weekly newsletter. The abundance of self-help, healthy living, parenting or professional development resources and newsletters. I find myself feeling overwhelmed at the over-abundance of information available to me. It’s a good thing gone bad. I start to feel like I’m drowning in it, because it’s too much to ever consume, keep organized and accessible, and with so many great resources it’s difficult to prioritize because I only have so much time to read/learn in this life. How do I know which is the best resources? 

During this time of quarantine and “isolation” which definitely doesn’t feel like isolation, as I live with five other people, the over stimulation of an abundance of content has become overwhelming. Everybody is sending me emails about free resources online for kids, free videos, e-books, audio books, movies, shows, etc., etc. Every single company we’ve ever purchased something from or done any kind of business with is sending me updates regarding their covid-19 related policies. I have unsubscribed from numerous websites newsletters, however more keep coming. It overtakes my head-space and I feel crowded out by good information that I maybe don’t even need. It’s literally overwhelming and it’s showing me the consequences of a big issue I have.

I need space in my head. How can I be so overloaded with what is mostly good, useful information? Many of the subscriptions have come as a result of me signing up for a free webinar, course or e-book, because of my formula lie, that I often subscribe to. This lie goes: if I read/take webinar/course/program A, then it will solve problem b that I have. It’s a lie that if I do ____, then my life will come together as planned, I’ll have control of my life, etc.

Once I was coached/mentored by a brilliant lady named Julie, who when we chatted about this tendency to always sign up for things and not follow through due to this formula idea I was fixated on said, “RJ - everything you really need to know, you already know.” What?! I absolutely didn’t believe her. How could that possibly be? I have such a hunger to learn a million things and grow a million ways, how could that be so? And yet, I came to settle into the truth of her statement that everything else I could learn would be extra, like bonus material, but not necessary for life. These words were eventually so freeing for me, because they shocked me out of the formula lie which also ties into the grass is greener elsewhere lie and causes me to look at my current reality and live fully there instead of longing for everything to change, as a form of escapism. When I let go of the formula and change it to if I fully embrace my current reality, with joy and gratitude and quit covering up my struggles and look for quick fixes, I actually do have the resources I need to process them and succeed and grow.

So this leaves for me a lot of questions in terms of how do I break the cycle of habitually believing this lie and subsequently feeling overwhelmed this feeling of too much information/too much content? How do I find the mental space to dig my heels into my current reality and reflect and pray and be ok with the current struggles and messiness, and stop believing that anyone really has a mess-free life?

I remember living overseas in a capital city and finding so much peace when I came across this verse in my Bible one day. It says in Psalm 18:19 (NIV) “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” I remember the wonder I felt in reading the words spacious place. 

A spacious place represented the opposite of the cramped, overstimulated busy life I was living in the city. I imagined the joy and freedom and beauty of being in a wide open space. But I also imagined that the joy, beauty, peace of mind and freedom that it says God offers is not due to me doing anything as part of a transaction. Rather it came when I realized I’m already there, because he rescued me and delighted in me. In my mind and heart, there can be a cleaning out, a de-cluttering that makes room for peace and contentment. And in that contentment is where the lies die off and fall away because there’s no need for greener grass of formulas for contentment anymore.

This quarantine might be shining the spotlight on the fact that even though the activities of normal life have slowed down, there’s still a lot of too much clutter in your mind and life. This clutter comes from a belief that you can change and control your future if only _____, the formula lie. Maybe it’s impossible for you to just sit and give thanks for today with both its joys and difficulties, knowing deep in your souls that it’s really ok for them to coexist. My challenge to you today, if you believe the formula and grass is greener lies, ask yourself the following questions:

(Believe me, I’m asking myself the same questions.)

• Is there something I really need to know, that I don’t already know? And I mean need, not want. What is it? And where will I learn it?

•  Do I really know anyone who really has it all together, or is it an illusion?

• What part (or whole) of my reality am I trying to escape from by believing the lies?

• If the grass isn’t really greener over there, how might it be green right here in ways that I never noticed before? How can I find beauty in my challenges?

·        List all the areas you might be believing these lies and journal ways to combat it with truth, for example.

o   My marriage – find ways to appreciate the unique qualities of my spouse.

o   My parenting – acknowledging that no family is perfect and every parent struggles at times, but my kids are gifts and I will treasure them.

o   My job – I only need to do my best work today, using the gifts I have to the fullest, and be thankful to be employed.

Please let me know if any of this resonates with you and if this has been helpful. Thanks for reading and processing with me.

Exceeding your own expectations in 2020

I have for a long time believed that our potential as humans is often limited by our own expectations of ourselves. Our growth or stagnancy in various areas of our lives is largely determined by what we believe we are, or are not, capable of.  These beliefs can be influenced by our culture, media, family of origin, friends, spouse, colleagues, friends, etc. It's important to take time to reflect on what you believe about yourself: what do you believe you're capable of? What's too far beyond your reach, and why? Who has spoken into your life in either positive or negative ways that have influenced what you believe your capabilities to be?

In many ways my husband has been a major mentor of mine, teaching me (when I'm teachable) and counseling me to do things that produce growth that will reap benefits in the future.

Early on in my marriage, my husband challenged me to face many of my fears head on, which sent me on a trajectory of intentionally going after challenges and believing that I am capable of more than I initially realized. He taught me to handle difficult things like:

• having difficult conversations, accepting the fact that I can healthily engage in conflict without fear
• setting appropriate boundaries in life and work
• learning to listen more than I speak, and asking the kinds of questions that let others feel loved and heard
• facing fears of hard work, of solving problems that I've never solved before, of the unknown, etc. 

I want to take a minute and focus more on the fear thing. Fear is a powerful force in all of our lives. Fear can be debilitating, it can control our minds and emotions. It can cause us to be completely paralyzed. It can deceive us into believing the worst case scenario will come to pass. But fear is a liar and almost never does worst case scenario actually happen. Fear can cause us to believe that our mistakes define us, our lives are meaningless and there's no hope for future change, let alone victory. I sometimes live in this kind of fear and doubt in certain areas of my life where I know (or think I know, because I'm believing my own self-limiting fear) that I am unable to make necessary the changes to get myself unstuck and experience victory.

You could be limited in any of these areas and perhaps many more by fear. 

I'll never get it together in the area of:

• diet
• physical fitness
• relationships with family
• thriving at the workplace
• personal organization and/or time management
• decision making, prioritization
• personal discipline in areas such as: getting more sleep, getting up early, less screen time
• reading more
• work/life balance
• parenting
• professional development
• marriage struggles, same conflicts different day/month/year
• controlling my emotions
• my alcohol consumption
• learning to get along with that person that irritates me

I have found that when I experience victories in life (whether macro or micro) they have the power to propel me from stuck to unstuck in any of the areas listed above. They are powerful forces of encouragement that give me hope that I can completely dispense with my excuses and expect victory to come. It may just be in smaller sized chunks than I initially expected. These small victories show us the challenge from another perspective, the perspective that the challenge wasn't as big as you initially thought when you look at it through the lens of hope. 

I have found myself keeping mental notes of victories that empower me to tackle other challenges because they give me courage that I am surprised by, and my expectations of my own potential get knocked down. I am capable of more and greater things than I expect of myself. The first time I spoke publicly in front of a group was one of these experiences. I was nauseous and downright terrified. I was determined that no matter what, I was just going to relax and be myself. After the speaking gig, I felt so exhilarated I couldn't wait to find another thing to tackle that I was terrified of!

I had the same feeling after a triathlon.
Same feeling after finishing Russian language school.
Same feeling after the completion of a complex event or project I organized at work.
Same feeling after having a really difficult conversation with my spouse, child or coworker (that I knew was necessary and delivered in love).

If I could describe the feeling it would be in these two words: BRING IT!!!

I have found myself becoming addicted to this feeling. It's like I'm pushing myself to the edge and in the facing of the fear and stretching of myself, I realize I can do more and greater things. And then I am looking for bigger challenge, unsatisfied with lack of challenge.

As we launch into a new year, 2020, the year of perfect vision, let's take time to look at what our goals are, but more importantly, what things aren't on our goal list because we don't believe ourselves capable of completing?

How can you make this year a year of enjoying the feeling of pushing past your fears and experiencing the joy of knowing that you are capable of much more? 

Leadership Lessons from the hot dog bagel

How leadership/supervising is like parenting -

Typical Saturday morning at my house...We're all starting our day at a lazy pace, fending for ourselves for breakfast. My 7 year old son is struggling to come up with an interesting idea for what to eat. Eventually we settle on a bagel in the toaster oven covered with chopped up hot dogs and shredded cheese sprinkled up on top. Dear reader, don't judge, we're using up leftovers! I walked him through the steps to making it and walked away on purpose. I'm trying to teach him to start to make his own breakfasts.

A few minutes later, I hear from one of my daughters, "Mom, I think he needs supervision next time ‘cause he got cheese all over the place." I reacted with surprise that she chose the word supervision instead of help or guidance. What she meant was, "if you were here watching and helping, he wouldn't have made the mess." In essence she means that supervising is taking over and keeping someone else from making mistakes, making sure they do it the right way. This thinking chafes me!

What I did next was I showed my son how to clean up the cheese, both on the counter and inside the toaster tray, explaining to him that any remaining cheese on the tray would burn and make it difficult for whoever was washing the dishes later. I told him it was awesome that he assembled the whole thing by himself and learned something new. He listened and watched and helped me clean up the cheese. I know he was appreciating the fact that I didn't freak out and scream at him. He felt safe and knew I cared about him learning something new.

Dear leaders, supervisors, parents, colleagues, and anyone else –

Mistakes are not the enemy - fear of failure and lack of growth and learning are the enemy. Let's be leaders/supervisors who empower people to learn and do new things. Let's treat those

we lead in such a way that they're not afraid of making messes that they'll get reprimanded for because they'll know that you've got their backs and are going to walk alongside them helping rectify the situation and them do better next time.

I've seen how leadership and supervision in the workplace is SO much like parenting. Leaders at work need to love and believe in their people and in their development just like parents to their own offspring. Let them make a messy hot dog cheese covered bagel for breakfast and learn from it. Why? Because every mess provides an opportunity to learn, grow and be more independent and empowered. Next time I know he will know more how to make this particular breakfast and be more confident in doing so, because his momma believes in him.

If your people feel cared for and empowered, they will stay. They will love your organization. They will brag to their friends about how they are allowed to take risks at work without fear because they know their leaders have got their backs. Which honestly is so RARE. So please be that rare leader! It’s not weakness when a leader allows people to take risks and sometimes fail. It’s true strength and humility – because you’re believing in others. You shift the attention from organizational perfection and excellence to individual excellence that is developed through risks and mistakes. You shift the focus from the organization’s external reputation to the internal growth of each individual.

Tolerate mistakes dear leaders. When mistakes happen, ask questions and be gentle and enable growth to result from the mistakes. Don’t tear down and berate your people, they will become fearful and resist trying and trust will disappear. The mistakes themselves are often powerful teachers, you don’t need to bring on more shame. It’s your job to gently draw out the lessons learned and affirm that person’s strengths. Affirm that the mistakes do not define the person.  

Once I worked for an incredible leader. I knew she was incredible because of the way she loved

and believed in her people. When she started the job and moved into her office she brought with her an appreciation gift that her people had put together for her as she was leaving her previous job. There were adjectives describing her character, but one quote stood high above the rest:

I think cool hits all the bases the best. She always comes across strong but calm at the same time. She is on target but seems relaxed. I always felt that if I were to burn down a building she would be “cool” about it so long as I had tried my best. She never was upset or offended by the sometimes loud and slightly inappropriate conversations that take place around me. In my mind, she is pretty cool.

This is the kind of leader to be, dear readers. Believe in your people. They will rise up.